When stillness goes wrong
Let me begin by saying this is a positive post. I think it is important for all experiences to be acknowledged and validated. Wherever you are in your journey is exactly where you need to be.
Now, the truth about the reality of engaging in a personal daily practice. This is very different for everyone. Even for those coming from seemingly the same “experienced based background”. We all experience things from ‘our’ perspective. As a result we don’t all respond the same to the same situation.
Some may find meditation beneficial immediately and fall into a practice with ease. While others may struggle to not only commit to a daily practice but to receive benefit at all. These are to ends of a spectrum, it is most likely we fall somewhere in between.
We may fluctuate between keeping a steading practice and finding it hard to get going after a break, say like a holiday, business trip etc. These are perfectly normal occurrences. Start back by being gentle with yourself. When taking one step at a time, there will always be progress.
My advice for all those finding a practice of any kind challenging is to stop and drop any expectations, from yourself, from the process, from your teacher. When you take away a target you can truly experience things and ourselves as they are.
There is another part to practice that is not spoken enough about, by either the professionals/facilitators or the participants experiencing this. It is trauma response being triggered during practice.
I believe those survivors experiencing exacerbated triggers or heightened anxiety as a result of their practice are less likely to share as all the dialogue around meditation is that of positivity. Those in recovery are then left feeling that the problem is with them, potentially compounding an issue they are attempting to release themselves from.
As a facilitator we do not always know what those in our groups have suffered, or are currently experiencing. For those of us running any type of meditation group it is our responsibility to be aware and engaged with our participants, observing both behaviours and physical responses, like breathing rate etc, at all times.
As a facilitator and advocate for meditation it is also important for me to acknowledge and voice that timing & guidance within practice is crucial for those who are recovering or survivors of trauma.
For these people, starting to develop a private practice with a trauma aware facilitator or mental health practitioner is the best option. Another option is to join a class. Discuss your particular situation with the facilitator when you book the class, they do not need to know details however sharing what you are comfortable with such as particular triggers or a rough explanation of the trauma ie sexual abuse survivor, military veteran etc, will help them. It is important that they are aware of your personal situation to be able to keep your situation in mind and care for your personal needs during the class.
A lot of the time when start something new, we place a certain level of expectation on ourselves. We plan, oh boy do we like to plan and schedule! We believe if we plan things we can either fit more things in, or we’ll do all those things that we have planned. My approach after years of trial and error with the scheduling system, is three steps;
Do not procrastinate (still a work in progress on that one).
Listen to what you need & engage in that.
Be honest with yourself at all times.
Your practice is yours, there is no right or wrong. There are always steps we can take to be more effective, in anything we do. For now accept where you are. Show compassion to yourself for your journey so far, be grateful for the lessons and honour your feelings no matter how negative. You have control over yourself and the steps and actions you take for the remainder of your journey, embrace that!